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Back by unpopular demand, some junk I wrote over at the hipbase (for all the original spelling errors, you'll have to go to the source) about the Hip running for office and making a movie, and also a pretty famous poem I hijacked during Christmas Time in Toronto:

Vote For Prime Minister Of The Hipbase! (June 21, 2004)

Without question, the most important election of the year!

Pick one candidate to be Prime Minister of the Hipbase. Here are the candidates and their platforms:

The Right Honourable Gordon Downie, Toronto. (Incumbent)

- More concerned with "grass" than the Green party could ever be...
- Increased federal funding to cities to support much needed finger wigglin' infrastructure programs.
- Supports affordable housing developments near train tracks.

Honourable Paul Langlois, Kingston. Leader of the opposition.

- Would mandate elementary school program teaching kids how to dangle cigarettes from lips without ever missing a drag.
- Supports Supreme Court justices doing away with silly wigs and actually growing big fluffy hair.
- Would do away with seat-belt laws to allow for easier mobility for shooters ridin' shotgun.
- Would make golf a national sport along with hockey and lacrosse.

Honourable Gordon Sinclair, Kingston.

- Former cabinet minister in Mr. Downie's government. Feels that perhaps Mr. Downie relies a little too much on the "Hippie Lettuce." Often helped the incumbent with forgotten lines during long speeches. Crossed the floor to support Mr. Langlois' golf initiatives.
- Has not ruled out a coalition with Mr. Downie if he can't win a majority.
- Centrist position appeals to his... wait for it... core bass of support. *rimshot*

Jonathan Fay, Kingston.

- Supports beefing up military spending. Often accused of "beating the drums of war." (Yeah, that one was pretty lame... but it's late)
- You think Clinton, Kennedy and Trudeau landed some tail? If elected, all female voters eligible for personal "filibuster" with Mr. Fay.
- He won't shake yer hand, so don't even ask. He might kiss your baby... especially if it's his. (See above.)

Robert Baker, Mayberry.

- Supports more fun and less Wang Chung.
- Hair extensions for all Hipbasers who are not fortunate enough to have "known the joy of whippin' it around on a riff."
- Will cut taxes on everything with strings... so if you're a tennis lovin, banjo playin, bean growin, owner of a football team (Ya might have to think about THAT terrible pun...) Bobby's your candidate.

And remember kids... as in all democracies, vote now and vote often! Our future depends on it!!

The Tragically Hip: This Time It's Musical (February 1, 2005)

In response to Dustin Hoffman's recent assertion that Hollywood is creatively bankrupt, Columbia Tri-Star's Sandler Studios (Famous for their 90 minute crap-a-thons featuring Canteen Boy himself) in association with the Straight To Cable Corporation (A division of NewsCorp.) figured the best way to cure their current script slump was to place an ad in "Variety" offering $130 million dollars to the first person who could answer the ad.

Luckily, my neighbours copy of "Variety" came early, and I was able to steal said copy, write in, and win.

My idea centred around the Hip going someplace and saving something (they weren't really interested in details as long as something 'sploded at the end) with plenty of cleavage and white people saying hip-hop terms, ya know, for the kiddies.

So anyway, I need you to help me cast this Wellsian cinematic ode to terrificness.

Please feel free to make your own substitutions, or suggest new and exciting plot devices.

Here's the cast list as of now:

Gord Downie to be played by Jason Statham:

Bobby Baker to be played by Jesus Christ. Apparently, this is a "Travolta style come back" which the studio keeps telling me is important. But, you should see this guy's contract rider... private trailer? Who does he think he is? Apparently he's got a really powerful agent. Not to worry, as you can see below from his promo shot, everything's gunna be "A-Okay."

Paul Langlois to be played by Slash. Paul's danglin' smoke to be played by Slash's smoke. The smoke is currently in Venice rehearsing his "danglin" with Italy's finest acting coach.

Gord Sinclair to be played by Adam Sandler. He's the property of the studio, so he works for peanuts... and the occasional cashew.

Johnny Fay, for obvious reasons, to be played by Ron Jeremy. Who else could capture his... uh, essence.

Billy Ray to be played by The Marlborough Man or some reasonable facsimile... this guy will do:

The microphone stand to be played by Calista Flockhart:

P.S. I'm having a 129 million, 958 thousand dollar BBQ tomorrow. BYOB.

"...When all through the 'Base"  (December 16, 2004)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ‘Base,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Brazle’s dread-locked face.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with ease,
In hopes that Chris would soon fill them with new DVD’s.

The Base was nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of mic-stand rodeo’s danced in their heads.
With Groveless in his toque and PRZ in his Bono cap,
They all settled down for a post-tour, holiday nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Beanmedic sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and kicked aside Gibby’s stash.

The Inviolet light on the breast of new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of stage lights to objects below,
When, what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But Billy Ray, a stage, and a ‘99 Tour Chandelier.

With a tall and lanky lead, whose energy soared,
He knew in a moment it must be our Gord.

More rapid than Killer Whales his bandmates then came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Johnny! now, Bobby! now, Paul and now Gord!
We must play till we drop, ‘till even Rory is floored!

To the top of the porch, where they set up the stage!
While Wendy and Casey sold T-shirts, mostly beige.
As pot leaves swirled as the wild hurricanes fly,
Hugh and Carolyn partied with Chancellor and High.

So down to the lawn all the Hipbaser’s flew,
Shannon was sure it was by far the best view.
And then, with bass thumping, Cfern’s wishes rang true,
He and his baby heard the beginnings of “Grace, Too”

As K-Town threw up her hands and was turning around,
Opiated came first over the top, and then crashing down.
Jenna was dressed in her school teacher best,
While Esthete had to keep Highway Girl 28 from flashing her breasts.

A bundle of songs Sinclair had prepared on his list
Canuck Courage shouted “Get Back Again!” and just shook his fist.
Senschic, her eyes -- how they twinkled! How merry!
Violet Light Heron danced around like a fairy.

Gord’s droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
But the edge of his chin dripped with sweat in a flow.
With the stump of a smoke, Paul sang through his teeth,
And Bauer kept asking where he could score some more reef.

Skippy played drums on Drez 7’s little round belly,
Douglas had the munchies and ate a whole bowlful of jelly.
Akaso laughed as Tarokun spun around and did tricks,
And Hawks77 asked, but Johnny wouldn’t give him a stick.

Bobby winked his eye and Gord twisted his head,
lilbones screamed: “Rock will never be Dead!”
sfissel spoke not a word, but nodded in rhythm.
The Darkest Canuck was glad he brought a camera with‘em.

Down in the pit, Kim asked Gord for his sig,
While Lofty and o78 danced a bona-fide jig.
Ambitionless sprang to her feet, and gave a big scream,
Heron Outside kept asking if this was all just a dream.

Hours they passed, as Gord sang all his prose.
With a nod of thanks, he brought the show to a close.
They all sprang to the bus, and invited everyone in,
Ron, Hairbird and Jamie couldn't even begin.

There were thanks a plenty and drinks all around,
Most of the Hipbasers simply kissed the ground.
The boys said their goodbyes, they had another gig,
But in the annals of Hipdom, this one was BIG.

All the Hipbaser’s heard them exclaim, as the bus drove out of sight,
"A Hip Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Fun with letterjames.de:

"T'was The Night Before Christmas" Hipbase Edition 2005 (Dec 4, 2005)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the base
The anticipation was palpable; something J-Monster could taste.
Chris had made sure there were plenty of songs on the tracker
While Lance and his Princess grabbed the boots they were after

Most posters, like Worldpeace, were snug in their beds,
Visions of last year danced in Kleh’s head;
Under the sheets, with a twist and a turn
Opiated wondered if the band would return

When out on the lawn The Doctorb heard laughter,
Problem Bears crossed the floor with a quick pitter patter.
He arrived at the window and shouted to Mav:
”It looks like a rocking Christmas concert we’ll have!”

For out on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Shannon and Eric had already begun to say hello:
Piper’s wondering eyes couldn’t grasp what appear:
It was The Tragically Hip, with six cases of beer.

While Bobby, Paul and Sinclair mingled and talked,
Lizard King 51 just begged them to rock
As Johnny hit on Jenna, the music further delayed
Skippy, ‘Proud and Lilbones jumped in and played!

Gord shouted: "Now, Hugh! Now, Carolyn! Now, Dire Wolf 74!”
”Tell us which songs you like and which you adore!”
”If Cfren wants to hear it, we’ll do what we can!”
”We’ll play hard for Summiteer with this makeshift band!"

The boys then swarmed the stage with laughs and friendly nods.
They enjoyed the volunteers, but valued their jobs.
With great gusto and timing; into “No Threat” they threw,
Soylent Greg was so excited he didn’t know what to do.

And then, in a twinkling, Gangrel heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of 32 little hooves.
Chancellor tossed up a glance, Beanmedic smelt the groove seed
St. Nicholas had arrived; with a red sack full of weed.

He was dressed all in fur, and the party was on,
Blesser screamed; “Hey boys, play Santa a song!”
Groveless T asked the Old Elf for a request,
And Claus remarked that “Courage” was best.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how sweet!
He smiled and greeted the Kings and Queens of Wheat.
PRZ asked Father Christmas how his beard got so long,
While Gibby kept trying to pass him the bong.

Through this cool Christmas Eve the band continued to play,
Highlander and Ron, hands joined, they swayed.
Rory had gone and whipped up a very nice spread,
”Not even baseball’s this great!” The Horrible Esthete said.

Dana and Fingernails pushed Rudolph to crowd surf,
When Santa joined in; Hairbird collapsed under his girth.
With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Fighter and Lover informed all; nobody was dead.

With relief and good cheer the concert carried along,
Darkest Canuck was sad as the band neared the last song,
With reassuring glee Lofty Pines said “worry no more”
And Jamie concurred, adding: “there’ll be an encore.”

As Twinkie danced with elves, Emperor Penguin was heard to complain;
He just stepped in deer poop of the variety Rein.
Grats’99 suggested “On the Verge” for the big closer,
078 figured if she had the chance, she too would have chosen her.

The last notes filled the air, the show was complete,
Now early Christmas morning and Mike S was totally beat.
Into the sleigh jumped Santa, his many elves too,
They even left room for The Hip and their crew!

Thehiprock and Tim Mac asked them for more
Longseason knew t’was but a once-a-year score.
Hawks ’77 said thanks on behalf of the ‘Base,
Scottitude wiped away tears of joy from his face.

Santa snuck in a wink and to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
TTHipfreak heard them exclaim, as they drove out of sight,
"A Hip Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

The 2006 edition. Complete with fantastic artwork by Corby Hart

T’was the night before Christmas and all through Hipbase
The Hipheads were gathered for “The Amazing Race”
When NegPhil explained that he was so inspired
Sean Bonner agreed; all that travel had him wired

And so with a nod, Lance gave the okay
Princess booked the tickets for a group get-away
This year would be different; all had a role
This year the Hipbase was off to the North Pole

The regulars by name, you know them all well
They skipped and they jumped and their hearts they did swell
For into a giant balloon they all gathered
Prairieman and Zenith took care of boozing matters

Bundled up well and with Pigography at the wheel
They floated along until Crashman77 spotted a field
“The North Pole!” exclaimed Dr. J with a smile and a wink
The balloon then touched down near the lonely end of a rink

As the ‘base disembarked, JC Shades noticed something when;
Rushing down the ice came ten joyous men
It was Bobby and Gord and Johnny and Paul
Soon Sinclair appeared and there they were all

Through the icy fog tfoe squinted to see
The other five men were little indeed
Except for one forward who was big red and jolly
It was Santa and his elves vs. The Hip; what folly!

As the game progressed Angels Wings made it a party well hosted
While Bob the Critic made sure the chest nuts were roasted
The Hip were beaten when Santa scored a goal that was tragic
He touched his nose, looked up, and said, “that was pure magic.”

It was Elliot G who finally introduced the whole crew
Everyone greeted and asked the boys to play a few
Haplo was the first to request a big hit
A drunk Almost Hip yelled: “Pretend is the shit!”

And so they did play, on this wintery eve
MattyM and Zopust went and rolled up their sleeves
They went about building a nice snowy igloo
Of which Daryl24 promptly walked directly through

Rebuilt in a hurry, it was the perfect fit for the clan
Warm and cozy barrybre17 enjoyed watching the band
Smg333 sat right next to the jolly fat man
Santa screamed along with Gord and held Thompson Girl’s hand

As the beers kept on flowing, Santa’s “naughty list” was proclaimed
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Chris! Now, Jenna! Now, Corby and Direwolf74!
Hugh! Shannon! I thought I warned you people before!”

But the spirit of the season overcame the great Claus
He began distributing gifts to everyone just because
His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry
He handed Mav a brand new shiny blackberry!

From the stage Gord could see, his audience enthralled
But not with him, but rather that big red butterball!
With the stump of a butt he held tight in his teeth,
Paul told Gord to chill; “He’s no spotlight thief.”

Downie spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
He began to rant and then turned with a quick jerk
With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Gord put on a rock’n roll show that was nuclear fed

Soon Santa gave him a smile and began to bob his head
Gord knew right away he had nothing to dread
In fact, in the end he brought Sooguy and Santa on stage
They all finished the show with “On The Verge” in a rage

As the party wound down, invisibleairwaves passed out
Bosman reminded Santa of his duty with a shout
The old elf sprang up much faster than a shiver
He remembered indeed that he had gifts to deliver

The Hip were exhausted, another stellar show they had weathered
It was agreed that the band and the ‘basers would all leave together

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Gord launched the balloon and into the atmosphere they rose

Santa himself sprang to his sleigh and to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

As the balloon passed the sleigh in the still of the night
Sanata was heard to exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:

“A Hip-Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”

All non-lyric content and Hip photographs © 2006 Stephen Dame
Lyrics are the property and copyright of The Tragically Hip.
Lyrics are provided for reference, education and personal use only.